


sick fuck

by terrorfics



Series: kuruhara one-shots [1]
Category: Oikko-kun datte Musubaratai
Genre: Childhood Trauma, How Do I Tag, Masturbation, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, or honestly not really coping at all, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27573397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terrorfics/pseuds/terrorfics
Summary: yuzuru is broken, and he doesn't think he'll ever be fixed.(read author's note!)
Series: kuruhara one-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986370





	sick fuck

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't really know how to tag this, so just so we're clear: there's no in-depth description of the child abuse, but it is mentioned and it is a central theme in this. this drabble is basically exploring the idea of getting off on your own trauma, but not really glamourizing it or putting it in a positive light.
> 
> also, this isn't proofread and it's almost 4am, i just needed to get this off of my chest.
> 
> the manga this is based on is "oikko-kun datte musubaratai", just some really gross shotacon shit i read a few months back. you can read it if you want, but i wouldn't recommend it.

yuzuru thinks he's fucking sick.

he knows, _he fucking knows_ , what it's like to be hurt by older men. his current therapy sessions are proof of that.

he knows that his uncle was a disgusting individual who is deservingly rotting in jail, knows their relationship was horrible and abusive on so many levels, knows that everything he did to him was violating.

he knows this. his therapist drills it into his head every time they see each other because their sessions always drift to the man somehow. he _knows_.

so why is it that whenever he lays down to touch himself, his mind drifts off to their time together?

* * *

yuzuru's laying down on his bed, porn blasting in his earphones. it's some weird shit he found, with the premise of a school-boy being taken advantage of by an older man on a bus. he holds the phone in one hand and frantically strokes himself with the other. he bites his lip to hold back a moan, trying to keep quiet as to not disturb his roommate. he feels himself come close to the edge and takes his hand off of himself for a second, shutting his eyes. 

a small voice whispers from the back of his mind.

_you only clicked this video because it reminds you of seiichirou._

yuzuru wants to deny it, wants to say ' _fuck you, no it doesn't_ '. but he _can't_ , because it _does_. he feels disgusting, but his hand is moving again, this time with distorted memories of his uncle playing on loop in his mind.

he thinks about how his hands felt on him, how he talked to him, how he happy he made him. he thinks about how kindly he treated him, how much he thought the older man loved him. he thinks about how he'd even say it sometimes, but only when yuzuru was under him or when he wanted something from him.

he thinks about how amazing it felt to be touched by him, to be _fucked_ by him. 

he opens his eyes and looks back at the video. he looks at the men and the thought of him and seiichirou being in that position flashes in his mind, catching him off guard. he chokes out a gasp and cums suddenly, _hard_. he drops his phone and lets his eyes flutter shut.

he sits there for a minute in stunned post-masturbation bliss. the memories continue to play as the moans from the video continue to blare in his ears, like the fucked up soundtrack to an even more fucked up movie.

and then the guilt seeps in. 

it feels like smoke from a fire, filling his lungs and throat with shards of broken glass and hot ash with every breath.

tears of disgust spring to his eyes, so he rips the earphones out and quickly closes the tab, and turns his phone off with his clean hand. his stomach lurches at the sight of his own cum and he wipes it onto his t-shirt before deciding he needs a shower.

he gets up and grabs some random sweats out of his drawer, rushing to the shower before his eyes start to drip. he succeeds, and only once the water sprays onto his body does he let everything out.

a whimper rips its way out of yuzuru's throat, guttural and full of an emotion the blonde can't even describe. he slides to his knees on the floor of the shower, curling into himself. his body shakes with the intensity of his sobs.

he's come to accept that he's broken, that he'll only ever be able to get off thinking about how his own uncle molested him since he was ten.

even though it's been five years since yuzuru's seen the man after he went to prison, even though he's an adult now, even though he's been going to therapy, seiichirou _still_ has the same effect on him.

it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad. he just wants to forget. he lets the scalding water running over his face distract him from the searing pain of his thoughts.

he spends fifteen minutes curled up like that before realizing that he's wasting water, quickly washing up and stepping out. he avoids his reflection when toweling off, too afraid of who he'll see looking back at him. he puts the sweatpants on and walks back to his room. he collapses onto his bed and curls into the fetal position.

_i want to forget_ , he thinks.

he falls asleep, and dreams of seiichirou.


End file.
